Belonging vs. Fitting In
Everyone needs to belong. Everyone wants to feel unique. What do we do about this paradox?
This week students discussed social psychology and group dynamics. As an answer to the above conundrum, we started by setting an intention this year to aim for “optimal distinctiveness” (see definition below).
"The solution is to be the same and different at the same time. Marilynn Brewer calls it the principle of optimal distinctiveness: we look for ways to fit in and stand out. A popular way to achieve optimal distinctiveness is to join a unique group. Being part of a group with shared interests, identities, goals, values, skills, characteristics, or experiences gives us a sense of connection and belonging. At the same time, being part of a group that is clearly distinct from other groups gives us a sense of uniqueness. Studies show that people identify more strongly with individuals and groups that share unique similarities. The more rare a group, value, interest, skill, or experience is, the more likely it is to facilitate a bond. And research indicates that people are happier in groups that provide optimal distinctiveness, giving a sense of both inclusion and uniqueness. These are the groups in which we take the most pride, and feel the most cohesive and valued."
We also discussed how Benjamin Franklin’s idea of the “Junto” was an original attempt at optimal distinctiveness.
“Franklin was relentlessly driven to be part of groups, associations, lodges, and volunteer companies - any organization that brought interesting people together for useful ends captured his attention as a worthwhile endeavor. As we have seen, when he couldn't find such gatherings, he created them from scratch.” - Cal Newport
Other topics discussed:
Optional journal prompts this week:
This week students discussed social psychology and group dynamics. As an answer to the above conundrum, we started by setting an intention this year to aim for “optimal distinctiveness” (see definition below).
"The solution is to be the same and different at the same time. Marilynn Brewer calls it the principle of optimal distinctiveness: we look for ways to fit in and stand out. A popular way to achieve optimal distinctiveness is to join a unique group. Being part of a group with shared interests, identities, goals, values, skills, characteristics, or experiences gives us a sense of connection and belonging. At the same time, being part of a group that is clearly distinct from other groups gives us a sense of uniqueness. Studies show that people identify more strongly with individuals and groups that share unique similarities. The more rare a group, value, interest, skill, or experience is, the more likely it is to facilitate a bond. And research indicates that people are happier in groups that provide optimal distinctiveness, giving a sense of both inclusion and uniqueness. These are the groups in which we take the most pride, and feel the most cohesive and valued."
We also discussed how Benjamin Franklin’s idea of the “Junto” was an original attempt at optimal distinctiveness.
“Franklin was relentlessly driven to be part of groups, associations, lodges, and volunteer companies - any organization that brought interesting people together for useful ends captured his attention as a worthwhile endeavor. As we have seen, when he couldn't find such gatherings, he created them from scratch.” - Cal Newport
Other topics discussed:
- Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (“belonging” comes before esteem and self-actualization)
- Necessary risks involved in showing who you are
- How your ability to belong in a group is tied to your level of self-acceptance
- From real 8th graders (quotes on the difference between fitting in and belonging)
Optional journal prompts this week:
- When it comes to belonging, what are you concerned about? What are people trying to achieve or feel when they strive to belong?
- True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are. How do you find out who you are?
- We all want to be a part of something without feeling we have to change ourselves. Have you ever changed yourself in the past in order to fit in? How did that feel? How long did it last?
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