Healthy Friendships and Meaningful Apologies

Socializing is a very complex human activity. This week we went over how to find our place in a group (see the screenshot on the concept of optimal distinctiveness), high sensitivity researcher Elaine Aron’s concept of ranking vs. linking, and how to sort the wide array of information that comes our way while in a conversation.

We started off with a lesson on sorting incoming social information into three imaginary baskets.

Basket A: Behavior that needs to be addressed immediately. Actions or words that threaten physical or emotional safety belong in this basket. (Relevant skills: Asking someone to stop, not tolerating bullying.)

Basket B: Behavior that provides a learning opportunity. Maybe we will address the person later, but not disrupt the flow of a current activity. Maybe we need to gather our thoughts first and plan some of what we want to say. (Relevant skills: Don’t wait too long or the circumstance won’t seem relevant to the other person, consider journaling first, plan what you might want to say in a natural manner, let them know why the issue is important to you or why something needs to change.)

Basket C: What are we willing to overlook? Was it a one-time offense? Was the person having a bad day? (Relevant skills: It’s best if your basket C isn't too big or too small. Aim for balance and assertiveness while letting things go.)

Ranking vs. Linking:

“Doubts about whether others find us okay are natural. It's part of how humans survived, joining clans and villages and following the rules to avoid being thrown out. We have to know what is expected by our society. Once you belong to a group, there are all kinds of expectations. But focusing on these does mean you have to be in comparison mode, and comparison mode means you are in what I call a "ranking state.” Are you better, worse, as good? Win, lose, tie?

In my book The Undervalued Self, I wrote that human beings - indeed, all social mammals - have two social behaviors: ranking and linking. When we are feeling friendly and attached to someone else or to a group, we are usually not comparing our-selves. When we are figuring out who is better, who is worse, we are ranking. Again, comparing and ranking is natural. If you watch a group of dogs, horses, cats, chickens, or any other social animal, they all know who is number one, two, and so forth. It saves fighting every time over, for example, who gets to eat first.

However, ranking does not feel as good as linking. It feels much nicer to like people, certain people in particular, and to have them like you. All social animals have their friends. So another solution to shyness is to try to link rather than to rank. Be kind and friendly to as many people as possible, and especially to someone you like and who seems to like you. Let the ranking subside in you. Why should there be any ranking? Aren't we all trying to do our best? Yes, some people seem to be trying to look like they are the best ever and they are fully involved in ranking and making others feel inadequate, but you can recognize them as having their own problems and avoid them.”

- Elaine Aron (high sensitivity researcher)

Apologizing:

When young people experiment with assertiveness and standing their ground, they may accidentally phrase words in a harsh way and later wish to apologize.

Conducting a good apology takes concentrated effort. In fact, a bad apology can sometimes make things worse! To explore this concept, students were given five “not apology” apologies and asked to analyze what went wrong. Then, they were given a template for a good apology.

Five Common Non-Examples That DON'T Work:

1. I’m Sorry You Feel That Way

2. I’m Sorry If/But…

- I’m sorry, but other people don’t overreact like you do.

- I’m sorry but other people would’ve understood it was a joke!

- I’m sorry, but you started it!

- I’m sorry but you know I’m right

- I’m sorry if you were offended.

- I’m sorry if I didn’t do it correctly.

- I’m sorry if you think I did something wrong.

3. I’m Sorry, But There Are Two Sides To This Story

- I’m sorry, but I’m not the only one to blame here. It takes two to tango!

- I’m sorry, but I’m not the only one responsible.

- I’m sorry, but you played a part in this too!

4. Ugh. Fine! I’m Sorry! Are You Happy Now?

5. I Was Just…

- I was just trying to be helpful.

- I was just trying to get you to calm down.

- I was just trying to get you to see my side!

- I was just explaining myself.

To say sorry for real and actually mean it, here is an acronym:

S is for Stand up.

O is for Own it.

R is for Respond differently.

R is for Repair the damage.

Y is for Yield to their feelings.